Steve and I were at the beginning of designing our new home. We had been living with his parents for 2 months because our previous home had sold before our new home was finished. I completed grad school in December 2011, and that spring/early summer we had occasionally discussed trying for our first baby.
We went out for sushi at our favorite downtown Willoughby spot, Lure, and we took advantage of the beautiful summer evening and we sat outside at the patio bar. We ordered our usual heaping plate of maki rolls, and as we were enjoying them I brought up the conversation again. To this day I still don't know what inspired me, whether it was that I was bursting with love for Steve, or the gorgeous setting... but I told him I was ready to start our family. He smiled at me, and I knew he was thinking the same. I was so happy that we had finally made the decision. I knew that night would be the last for 9+ months that I would be eating sushi and enjoying Summer Shandy beer. And I could not have been more overjoyed about it.
We had a happy hour at work and I confided in my good friend and co-worker, Jessica, that I didn't want to drink because we were trying for a baby. She laughed and said that she and her husband were trying, too! It was so much fun that we have the same name, we're very close friends, and now we shared such a big secret.
October 12, 2012
We flew to Virginia to visit our friends Melissa and Nick for the weekend. We got to meet their son, Colton, for the first time. I hadn't had a lot of experience with very young babies, and I was nervous about holding Colton and doing everything right. Melissa calmed my fears. She let me hold him, feed him, and soothe his cries. I felt so in love with her sweet baby boy and it made me so much more excited to have a baby of our own. It was an amazing weekend.
October 16, 2012
Steve and I have always regularly sent text messages to each other throughout the day, and because of our excitement and anxiety about getting pregnant we were sending each other even more than usual. I had been telling him I was inexplicably tired and hungry, and I really didn't attribute it to possibly being pregnant.
That evening we went out for dinner with Lisa, Bryan and their son, Andrew. It was such a nice night with them. Andrew was happy and content and Steve and I both commented on how our last few experiences with babies were super positive.
We got home that night and I told Steve that I felt like taking a pregnancy test. He told me that it was too early-- my period wasn't supposed to come for another few days. He said that I'd just be disappointed when the test said negative. I debated and then I decided I couldn't wait. Deep down I knew it was too early, and we had only been trying for a month. I knew the possibility was so remote. But for some reason I had to know right then.
Those were the longest minutes I ever waited through in my life. I never imagined I would see that second pink line on the stick. I grabbed the test, ran to Steve and said "It's positive." The look on his face was priceless! We both just stood there with goofy grins and hugged each other. We were both in total disbelief that we were pregnant. I think we must have stood in that same spot for a half hour. We were over the moon happy. I wrote down the exact date and time and planned to document all of the important details of my pregnancy. We decided we would wait until November on Thanksgiving to tell our families the good news. I had a feeling I wouldn't be able to wait that long, but I intended to try.
October 21, 2012
We had plans to have dinner at my parents'. All day I resisted the urge to tell them. We had a bonfire that evening and the urge was getting stronger. I kept looking at Steve and he kept shaking his head and giving me the "don't do it!" look. My mom kept asking, "What's up with you two?" Finally, when everyone was sitting around the fire and there was a break in the conversation, I asked my family, "What are you doing June 22?" and they all gave me a puzzled look. My sister was recently engaged and hadn't set a wedding date, so they all assumed I was proposing a date. My mom said, "I don't know. Why?" So I replied, "Because I'm pregnant." My mom had this look of total shock and disbelief and she stood up and hugged me so tight! She was completely surprised and I knew how happy she was. She had been wanting a grandchild since Steve and I got married in 2008. Everyone hugged and congratulated us and for the rest of the evening we talked about plans. I could not have asked for a better reaction. We went back to Steve's parents' that night and relayed the news to them as well. His mom said, "That's the best news I ever heard!" It was the most perfect day.
November 9, 2012
We saw Dr. Emery for our first prenatal visit. I thought I was almost 8 weeks pregnant, but he said I was only just over 6 weeks. He confirmed that I was pregnant and we got to see the flicker of our tiny baby's heartbeat on the ultrasound. He gave us an EDD of June 27, 2013. It was the best feeling in the world. We were so unbelievably happy!
December 6, 2012
We got to hear the baby's heartbeat at this appointment. Absolutely amazing. Knowing our baby was living and breathing and relying on me for life was overwhelming and exhilarating at the same time. I will never forget that sound!
December 7, 2012
Steve and I fell asleep as we normally do on the couch before bed. At around 10:00 p.m. I woke up and felt like I was bleeding. I went to the bathroom and noticed I was heavily bleeding and I panicked and woke up Steve. We rushed to the ER thinking the worst. All we could think about was the fact that we had heard the heartbeat one day prior and the baby was fine at 11 weeks. After an exam and internal/external ultrasounds, it was confirmed that the baby was okay and dancing around in my belly. We were in shock that nothing bad had happened to the baby. We went home scared, but relieved that the baby was doing fine.
Winter 2012-2013
My belly started to grow and I finally started showing at around 16 weeks. At the same point I bought my first belly bands for my pants. My friend Melissa asked me to start sending her weekly bump pictures and it made my pregnancy even more fun and special. Our house was progressing and we envisioned setting up the nursery. The nursery was the first room at the top of the stairs. My mom and I decided to have the baby shower on May 11 at the Concord Township Community Center. My nausea and exhaustion started to subside around 18 weeks, and I finally felt somewhat normal again. It was so incredible knowing I was carrying this little human being.
My co-worker, Jessica, had announced that she was pregnant, too, and she was due July 17, 3 weeks after me. It was so much fun being pregnant at the same time, comparing aches and pains, and sharing our stories.
January 25, 2013
This was the day we had been waiting for- the ultrasound to determine the baby's sex! It was so incredibly difficult to work all morning and wait until my appointment at 3:00. We invited our moms to find out with us. They sat in the waiting room until we heard the news first. I can't even explain in words how amazing it was to see how much the baby had grown since the first ultrasound. The technician had trouble getting head measurements, and she asked the dr on call to come in and try. The dr asked, "Do you want to know the sex?" and we both exclaimed, "Yes!" and she said, "It's a girl." We were ECSTATIC! A little girl. I tried to remain unbiased before finding out, but deep down I really, truly hoped for a girl that I could buy pink dresses for and to brush her hair and share all of my girly interests with. Steve called in our moms and when they came in I told them. They were so happy. I stared at the ultrasound photo for the longest time. Steve and I had already decided on our little girl’s name- Ava Claire.
We went to Babies R Us afterward and bought two outfits for our baby girl. Steve picked out the cutest dress for her. We had tried to buy things on sale, and this particular dress wasn't on the sale rack. Steve said, "I know it's not on sale, but I really like this one for her." And I smiled and said, "Okay." It was so adorable. We went to our favorite restaurant, Yours Truly, and I couldn't stop smiling. I remember thinking that the feeling was so incredible and I wanted to hold onto it forever. I felt like I was floating on a cloud. Yours Truly always gives colored straws, and that day we both got pink. That had never happened, and neither of us has gotten a pink straw since. It was fate.
February/March 2013
My pregnancy progressed and I started showing more and more. I switched from using my belly bands to wearing maternity pants and shirts. Buying maternity clothes was fun, and frustrating! Steve reassured me that I looked beautiful in everything. Ava was kicking harder and more frequently and Steve was finally able to feel it. We registered for our baby shower at Babies R Us. Everything was becoming so real. We were so in love with our baby girl.
Our house was finally completed and we moved in March 14. It was nice being pregnant because no one would let me move anything heavy! I did what I could and organized and cleaned while Steve and his dad moved furniture. I frequently walked into our daughter’s room and dreamed about how we’d decorate the nursery. I couldn’t wait to pick out furniture and put all of the items we registered for in her room. I was in disbelief that June 27 was coming up so fast.
April 16, 2013
I had lunch that day with Jessica. We compared stories, as we always did, about our babies (she was having a girl, too). I told her that my stomach had been bothering me at night and that I had finally gotten a body pillow for better support. I also told her that I felt like Ava was moving less intensely than before. She was still moving, but I wasn’t feeling the kicks as hard. I was over 6 months pregnant, and I have read that babies have less room as they grow to move around. I already have a small uterus, so I assumed that was the reason for it. Jess told me she felt the same about her baby, and she had an appointment that afternoon and she planned to mention it to her doctor. She told me she would let me know the following day what her doctor said.
That evening Steve and I went to Lure for sushi (we didn’t order anything raw) and Ava was kicking at the table. I stopped on the way home at McDonald’s for milkshakes for us. We enjoyed our ice cream and watched tv like normal. At 8:00 she was kicking and Steve put his hand on my belly and felt it.
By 9:00 my stomach was bothering me and I thought it was from dinner and the ice cream. Steve was dozing off on the couch, so I brushed off my stomach ache. As the night went on, it started getting worse. Still, I attributed it to being 30 weeks pregnant and having indigestion. We went to bed and I fell asleep quickly.
April 17, 2013
At 2:00 a.m. I woke up inexplicably and started panicking. I realized I hadn’t felt her kick since 8:00. I told myself to quit worrying and that I was being silly. Finally, I woke up Steve and told him my fears. He told me everything was probably ok and I should call the doctor. I called, and Dr. Emery called me back around 2:30 a.m. and told me to drink a glass of juice and lay on my left side for ½ hour. If she still hadn’t moved, I should go to the ER.
By 3:00 a.m. I was freaking out. She hadn’t moved. Steve was drifting in and out of sleep and I told him we had to go to the hospital. Even still, I thought I was being paranoid and they would send me home like they did in December. I remember grabbing a granola bar thinking I’d be hungry if it took a while at the ER. We drove to Hillcrest and I was only slightly concerned.
We arrived at the ER and Steve asked if I wanted to be dropped off at the door. I told him I was ok and that I could walk from the parking lot. We walked in and told the receptionist why we came in, and a security guard escorted us to labor and delivery. The nurse gave me a gown and I changed. I remember complaining to Steve that the gown was unnecessary and I was annoyed that I had to change my clothes.
A nurse came in with the Doppler machine and she put cold jelly on my stomach. As she was checking, the front desk called to verify my information. I didn’t listen to a word they said as I intently listened for my baby’s heartbeat. I was very attuned to listening for it. I got so annoyed that the front desk was bothering me at such a crucial time. I gave the phone to Steve and focused on listening. All I could hear was my own heartbeat, pounding because I was panicking. The nurse left the room and I knew something was very wrong. A doctor came in moments later with an ultrasound machine and Steve squeezed my hand. The doctor said, “I’m sorry.” What???? Sorry for what??? Steve burst into tears. I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t process it. My baby was alive. I just saw her on an ultrasound 3 weeks ago at 26 weeks and she was healthy and living. I remember I said, “That’s not possible. I’m 30 weeks” and I kept repeating that. I just didn’t believe it. The doctor asked if I wanted a second opinion. I shook my head no.
Dr. Emery came in shortly afterward and confirmed that there was no heartbeat.
He gave his condolences and got teary-eyed. It was at that moment that I realized I would have to deliver my dead baby girl. I was in complete shock and I still couldn’t process it. I told Steve I didn’t want to see her or hold her. We called our parents and they rushed to the hospital. The hospital staff walked me to a birthing room and I got into bed. As I saw a birthing tub, scale, equipment, and all sorts of other tools hospitals use for healthy newborn babies, I started crying uncontrollably. Why would they put me in a room where living, breathing, crying babies are born? Steve held me and we cried together. We knew we had so much ahead of us.
Our parents came to the room and hugged us. The second I saw my mom I started sobbing. She cried with me and told me how sorry she was. My dad cried and hugged me, too. It was only the third time I have ever seen my dad cry. It hurt so badly. I thought about how my parents must have felt seeing their little girl suffering. Then I realized I was in the same situation. I wanted to do something, ANYTHING, to help my daughter, and there was nothing I could do.
The rest of the morning/day are a blur. At 7:00 a.m. or so they gave me my first dose of a labor inducing drug. I remember trying to fight through the contractions because after our classes I had resolved to try childbirth naturally. I realized it was silly to do this without medication. I tried a painkiller that wouldn’t debilitate me like an epidural, but it didn’t last long and I was in pain again. I finally agreed to have the epidural. Having the catheter placed in my back was the most painful thing I had experienced. I remember wondering if childbirth would compare. Steve held my hand and cried with me. The staff asked us throughout the day if we wanted to see her and have her picture taken. The more I thought about it, and the more the day progressed, the more I realized I did want to do those things. I knew I would regret it later if I didn’t. I thank God for our parents, sisters, and my grandpa. They stayed with us the entire day and we were able to laugh and joke at times. They really, truly helped us get through it. I am so grateful.
I had several doses of the inducing drug before it finally really kicked in and I dilated rapidly. By 9:00 p.m. or so I felt the urge to push. I always wondered how I would know when I was ready. You just know. The doctor and nurse came into my room and our families started to walk out. At the last second I yelled, “Mom! Can you stay?” and she walked to my right side and grabbed my hand. Steve stood on my left and held my hand and knee. I pushed for a short time, and Ava Claire Gojak was stillborn at 9:18 p.m., at 3 lbs. 3 oz. I decided I wanted to have her on my chest, just like any normal baby. I cried harder than I’ve ever cried in my life. My mom left the room and Steve and I just cried and coddled our sweet angel. She was perfect. She had my nose, Steve’s lips, my feet, and Steve’s hands. So tiny. And so incredibly beautiful. She had dark hair like both of us. The nurse weighed and measured her and did all of the things she does for living babies. I remember thinking it was so special because Ava was still treated as gently and respectfully as any other baby, even though she wasn’t living.
Our families came back into the room a short time later and we all took turns holding Ava and talking to her. I will never forget that. It was so bittersweet. To see our parents, who had longed for a grandchild , hold our baby in their arms was unbearable. But it was also so heartwarming. There was so much love and heartbreak in the room that evening/morning. All of us shared a close bond that most people never experience in their lives. I am forever grateful for that.
At 2:00 a.m. Steve and I finally went to sleep. Ava lay all night in the bassinet next to my bed. I remember thinking she must be so cold and lonely by herself. I wished more than anything that I could make her warm.
We left the hospital the next morning. It crushed me to be wheeled out with empty arms. I am so glad the nurse took us through a back door so that we could avoid seeing the happy parents who got to take home their warm, pink, crying, living babies. The hospital staff made this nightmare much more bearable, and I thank God for them.
Steve and I are closer than we’ve ever been. We both agree that this experience has made us stronger people, and it had removed any doubts that we had about having children. I long to be pregnant again and to give birth to a crying baby. I will never forget my first sweet angel, Ava Claire. The short 7 months I spent with her will forever remain in my memory and heart. I thank her for making me happier than I’ve ever been. Rest in peace, baby girl.
